


Rabbit, Rock and Twig

by Giddygeek



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Fake Marriage, Import, M/M, fake-fake marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-31
Updated: 2014-07-31
Packaged: 2018-02-11 03:39:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2052174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giddygeek/pseuds/Giddygeek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ford carefully tucked his digital video camera back into his pack. "I'm burning that when we get back to Atlantis," John told him.</p><p>Ford grinned cheerfully. "But you can't burn my memory," he said. "Uh, sir."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rabbit, Rock and Twig

~~~~

The Corthelians dressed John in black for the wedding. They said it symbolized the peace of the night sky and dark places.

"Right," he said, tightening the drawstring on the silky pants and twitching the sleeveless shirt into place over his knife.

Then they gave him a twig covered in tiny little buds, two big rocks, and a bunny thing that had four floppy limbs, four floppy ears, four limpid brown eyes, and a huge penis.

"Life," said the leader's husband, a man named Delmore, as he handed over the twig. His eyes were gleaming. "Stability. Virility."

"Uh-huh." John tucked the twig behind his ear, put the rocks into his pockets, handed the bunny back to Delmore--penis first--so he could tighten the drawstring on his pants before the heavy rocks dragged them down. Then he cradled the bunny in the crook of his left arm, on its back, as instructed. It lay there calmly and snuffled at him while Delmore scratched its chin.

"Do you remember what you need to do?" Delmore asked.

"Enter the sanctuary, turn three times, bow, wait till the lady tells me to come forward, approach the lady, turn around four times, and wait."

"Do you remember the vows?"

"Yes," John said, through gritted teeth. "And listen, it's not that I wouldn't appreciate a refresher course, I think I'm ready to just get this over with."

Delmore looked to his assistant, who nodded. Delmore beamed and clapped John on the shoulder. "We are ready!" he said, and led John out of the tent, towards their sanctuary, through a crowd of laughing villagers who all seemed to have scandalous good wishes and advice to offer.

"You are a very fortunate man, Major Sheppard," Delmore said as they finally approached the peaceful courtyard of the sanctuary. "I envy you!"

"Thanks," Sheppard said, then he took a deep breath, let it out, and marched into the little church.

~~~

"Approach," the lady said. She'd made him bow until all the villagers had followed him inside and settled into their seats. There seemed to be a lot of coughing and throat clearing going on, which just made the day perfect--a wedding, and a lot of time spent with people who would probably infect him with what would most likely turn out to be a highly communicable disease. He was real fortunate, all right.

He straightened his back and approached the lady standing at the end of the center aisle. Then he turned around four times, eyeing the crowd, spotting Teyla and Ford standing alone on a balcony at the far back of the building. Then he waited.

"You don't have to _push_ me," Rodney said from somewhere off to the side. Sheppard kept his eyes on the lady until she nodded and motioned for him to turn around.

Rodney was stomping down the right aisle, his mouth pulled into a tight frown. The crowd in the church started murmuring to each other, and there was a lot more throat-clearing and coughing. Rodney looked at them, clearly horrified by the very thought of all those germs, and walked as far to the side of the aisle as he could go, ushered on by two big women with shoulders like linebackers and huge hands.

He turned the corner and Sheppard felt his mouth twitching. He apparently _was_ the winner of the wedding sweepstakes. He'd gotten black pants and a shirt. Rodney had gotten--something else.

Bright crimson fabric clung to his shoulders but revealed his collarbones. It angled down his chest, barely covering his nipples, and stopped in a vee just above his navel. It clung to his sides and hips and went down like shorts to a little above mid-thigh.

To cap it off, there were ropes of bright red flowers and black leaves on his ankles and wrists and around his neck. He trailed petals as he walked with long, angry strides, which were made pretty much pornographic by the way the red thing cupped his groin.

Rodney caught his eye. "Oh yes, laugh it up," he said as he batted the hands of his--bridesmaids?--away and came to stand beside Sheppard.

"No, no," Sheppard said with as straight a face as he could manage. "You look great. Nice legs."

"I know where you live," Rodney said, then yelped and jumped sideways when one of his bridesmaids smacked his ass. He rubbed the smacked spot and glared while the women grinned and the crowd in the church tittered. "Oh, _all right_ , just start the ceremony!"

The lady cleared her throat and John looked back at her. "We are here to unite you," she said in a cool, carrying voice. "With the hope that then, our two peoples may unite, and enjoy a long and profitable friendship. Do you know your vows? Then we may begin."

John cleared his throat and turned to Rodney, who was flushing almost as red as his clothes. "I, uh," John said, and coughed. Apparently, the villagers' disease was already affecting him. Great. "I promise, uh, you, Rodney McKay, as many children as you want." He handed Rodney the bunny, trying to pass it over sideways so that neither of them had to look at its big, fluffy penis. It dangled in his hands passively, and then snuggled into Rodney's arm when Rodney took it from him, his mouth in a tight, unhappy line.

"I promise you'll have my body in your bed every night," he said, and fished one of the rocks out of his pocket and handed it to Rodney.

Then he took the twig out from behind his ear and twirled it, feeling his own face flush. He looked sideways at the lady, who met his eyes and raised an eyebrow. He cursed the Corthelians, their fabrics, which were treasured throughout the Pegasus galaxy, and the customs of every alien race in the universe, then said, "And, uh, I promise you my heart for the rest of our lives," and handed Rodney the twig.

Rodney stared at him, then leaned closer and hissed in his ear, " _These_ are the wedding gifts I was promised?"

John glared. "They're _symbols_ of--did you even listen to the words? Whatever. Just say your vows."

Rodney sighed. "I accept your rabbit, rock and twig. Ow!" He turned his head and glared at his bridesmaids. "Do that again and I'll--"

"McKay!"

Rodney sighed again. "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot I was supposed to be taking this farce seriously. Okay, yes, fine--I accept your offer of children, will honor your body, and treasure your heart. Thank you."

"No, thank _you_ ," John said with as much sarcasm as he could muster, and the lady clapped her hands.

"We wish you all the joy in the universe," she said. "And now it is time for you to take off your clothes."

For a moment, John froze, Rodney froze, no one in the church moved or said a word. Even the bunny was completely motionless. And then Rodney's face went three shades more red and he said, " _What_? It took three people to get me into this thing! And even if I could take it off, you think I'd do it right here in public, _in church_?"

"I do not understand your hesitation," the lady said. "And your husband wears a knife, which will cut through the fabric quite easily."

John met Rodney's look of horror with one of his own, then turned back to the lady. "Uh, ma'am, in our culture--"

The lady eyed him coldly enough to stop him mid-sentence. She was tall and skinny and wearing a green dress under a white apron--not very much like any minister or leader he'd ever met before. More like the tough librarian from his grade school, which was somehow more intimidating than any purple robes and jewels could have been.

"Your culture must be very, very strange," she said, raising her eyebrows at him. "And also very gullible."

Then her mouth twitched once, twice, and she doubled over, laughing. "Oh, oh," she said breathlessly. "Your _expressions!_ "

Every villager in the church began to laugh uproariously. Rodney's bridesmaids collapsed into each others arms, giggling. Rodney turned in a circle, trailing petals, the bunny's ears swinging in the air, and his mouth opened and closed like a guppy's. John put a hand on his shoulder, feeling his skin very hot through the thin fabric of his red outfit, and leaned in to say, "We can't kill them."

"I _can_!" Rodney said. "And I _might!_ What _is_ this?"

The lady stood, reaching out for Delmore as he approached them, beaming. "We ask everyone who comes through the circle to go through this ritual before we will accept them as partners for trade," she said, wiping her eyes with a silky handkerchief she pulled from her sleeve. "And almost none of them do. And none of them _ever_ do it without hesitation. Your people did not even ask if there was an alternative! We said, 'you must marry,' and you did not even question it!"

John could feel his own face flushing. "We've been asked to do a lot of ridiculous things," he said. "This wasn't even the weirdest."

"Teyla Emmagen!" Rodney roared. "Did you know this was a joke?"

Teyla and Ford fought their way through the crowd of villagers, who had all gotten up to mingle with their neighbors and reenact the entire wedding, line by line. "I did not know," she said as she reached them, frowning at the lady. "We knew, of course, that they would ask for a symbol of willingness before trading with us, but I did not know what form that symbol would take. A union did not seem odd."

Ford carefully tucked his digital video camera back into his pack. "I'm burning that when we get back to Atlantis," John told him.

Ford grinned cheerfully. "But you can't burn my memory," he said. "Uh, sir."

Rodney looked around wildly, then dumped the bunny in Ford's arms so that he could wave his hands around. Ford caught the bunny but not the right way, and John felt a flash of vindictive pleasure as the kid's eyes went huge. Served him right.

"Look at what I'm wea--never mind, everyone stop looking at me!" Rodney said. "Where are my clothes? Someone bring me my clothes, right now."

"Your clothes are in your quarters," Delmore said soothingly. "You may go and change, and then return to the trading table. You have honored us mightily with your trust and your willingness, and we will be pleased to trade with your people."

"I want a million pounds of your best fabric!" Rodney said. "And, and--"

"Major Sheppard, perhaps you should walk Dr. McKay back to our quarters," she said, smiling gently at them but obviously telling them to get the hell out before they ruined everything. John thought that perhaps he _wanted_ to ruin everything--he didn't appreciate having been embarrassed, and he felt bad for Rodney, who seemed genuinely upset.

But then he thought about the glory of socks and underwear without holes.

He took Rodney's arm and hauled him away through a side door, ignoring his protests, the laughter still ringing out in the church, and the flower petals that rained down on them both.

~~~

John left Rodney at his door, then headed down the hall towards his own room, eager to get his BDUs back on. But Rodney, who had to be desperate to get his own clothes, didn't enter his room.

"What?" John said.

"I really _don't_ think I can get this off by myself," Rodney said, miserably. His face was still bright red. "The fabric--but I don't want any of them--"

"I'll help," John said, and went back down the hallway, opened Rodney's door himself. Rodney's quarters were quiet and dark, the shutters drawn over the wide windows. Rodney stood in the middle of the room and picked at the knots that kept the flower ropes fastened around his wrists, but they weren't coming loose.

"I've got it," John said, and pulled his knife out of the sheath. He carefully cut the flower rope away from Rodney's neck, then each wrist, and then he knelt to get the ones around Rodney's ankles. Rodney braced a hand on his shoulder and held his foot up as John cut, and then John stood, careful to pretend he hadn't noticed the heavy swell of Rodney's groin. "Can you get the rest yourself?"

Rodney pushed at the fabric covering one shoulder, but it didn't have enough give. "If you could?"

"No problem." John took the knife to the seamless fabric, which he could barely pull up enough to slip the blade under. "Jesus, Rodney, how did they even get you into this?"

"Three people, some weird oil, and a lot of pulling," Rodney said. "And to think! All for a, for a _joke wedding_."

Rodney's skin was very warm, and since they were standing so close, John could smell the oil, a kind of herb smell. It was earthy, but not bad. The muscles in Rodney's shoulder and arm bunched under John's hand, firm and solid.

"Going through with it did get us a trading partner, though," John said, and went to work on freeing Rodney's other arm. "At least we didn't get that far and then have them turn us down."

Rodney sniffed. "I guess. But still. That was very uncomfortable for me."

"I know," John said, and then the second sleeve was done, and Rodney's chest was bare.

His skin was a little red, still shiny with oil, and he brushed at his shoulders like he could just rub it off. "And just watch, I'll have a violent allergic reaction to this oil and be soaking in an oatmeal bath for a week."

"I think it's just flushed," John said, brushing Rodney's other shoulder and not feeling any irritation, just smooth skin, surprisingly soft. "Take a bath now, you'll be all right."

"If not, we're going right home so Carson can check it out," Rodney said. "Thank you. I think I can get the rest of it off now."

"Okay," John said. "All right. Good."

"Major?"

John took his hand off Rodney's shoulder and met his gaze. Rodney was less red, but still flushed, his eyes glowing brightly in contrast. John could feel the heat pouring off his skin, and shifted forward to get closer to it, brushing against Rodney's groin, feeling heat and hardness there.

He put a hand on Rodney's hip, watching Rodney's eyes widen with surprise, and grinning when Rodney's surprised look faded into smugness. He slid his hand back over the curve of Rodney's ass, perfectly highlighted by the smooth red fabric, and pulled Rodney tight against him.

"I know SGC policy is that weddings the aliens make you have aren't real and never happened," he said, "but I was looking forward to this part too much to skip it," and he dipped his head to kiss Rodney's open mouth.


End file.
